What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
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Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Very good news from my accountant
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
What a kind woman! 😂😂
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea