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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
i actually laughed 😩
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
looks legit
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.