I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
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I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Well, that should do it
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Britain be like
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
he was correct
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator