I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
You Might Also Like
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
This raises questions
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
wtf is an acronym
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
March 16
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.