Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
You Might Also Like
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Facebook memories be like
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.