I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
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*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’