Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
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my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not