i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
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I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂