My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
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My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”