I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Yup.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?