Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
This is why I hate group projects
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
We’ve all been there…
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.