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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?