You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
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Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.