ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
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Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Chicago sounds lovely.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Autocorrect completely socks
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
This is amazing.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I never needed anything more in my life
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Perfect