LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
This raises questions
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.