The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
💁🏻♂️
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
This is me 🤣🤣
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.