How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
i spent way too long on this
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.