Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
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“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Need WebMD
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’d rather fork than spoon.