Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”