Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
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I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I didn’t realize that was an option
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.