I have a place for everything. The floor.
You Might Also Like
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
this is the greatest thing ever
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.