[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
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I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.