Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
what could possibly go wrong?