25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
ugh not again
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.