You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
this is the best day of my life
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.