I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
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The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
it was love at first sight
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids