Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
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Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence