My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
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Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.