half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
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fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
the noise i just made
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
i love meeting boys on tinder
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.