Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
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Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.