[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
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My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
british sex workers really pound for pound
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?