me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
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I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.