We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
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I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.