For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
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mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.