I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I need a headline like this
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage