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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
my professor scared me for a second
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.