Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
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grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish