Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
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JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
me after drinking all the wine:
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying