American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I used to be married, but I’m better now
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Mistakes were made
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic