My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
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[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
my first dose meeting my second
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here