pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
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i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop