The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Just grow your own
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.