Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
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If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
How animals would run if they were human
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*