WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
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The most important meal of the day is the next one
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids鈥’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
mood
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I didn鈥檛 know any of my neighbor鈥檚 names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo鈥檚 mom, Phoebe鈥檚 dad, Max鈥檚 mom and Bo鈥檚 parents
馃槅
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you鈥檙e hilarious. i didn鈥檛 grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]