“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
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I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
This trial is so absurd 😭
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry