Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
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How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home