Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Alexa: *deep breath*
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.