You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
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I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
My god she’s good.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences