*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
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Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting