I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
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Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!